Being a former teacher, I thought I had a distinct advantage over other future step parents. I had exposure to classrooms at virtually all grade levels, particular those 6 through 8, which is the grade cluster my eventual step daughter was enrolled in at the time my future wife and I first met. My future step daughter was only 10 years old at the time I first entered her young life back in 2006.
Step Parenting A Roller Coaster Ride
To say that our relationship has been a roller-coaster is an understatement. My step daughter is of her own mind and, like almost any teenager, is of the opinion that she has both the questions and answers to all life matters in her possession. That I can frequently be as stubborn as a mule has only added high-octane fuel to the occasional flare-ups between my step-daughter and me.
My initial mistake - and it was a big one - was believing that my teaching background would enable to me quickly and effectively transform me into a super-parent. My training in (lesson) planning, classroom management and interpersonal skill-building were my ticket to becoming an overnight father and disciplinarian. Wow, was I wrong!
Clashes erupted soon after I came into the picture, even though I was "only" my eventual wife's boyfriend at the time. Considering how brief a time it had been since I had entered her life, I really was in no position to be assuming a disciplinary role. Not surprisingly, she was not at all accepting of my newly assumed role, and often voiced her displeasure, which obviously did not sit well with me.
A Step Child's Harsh Words Can Hurt
Among other things, my step daughter would vehemently suggest that I stay out of the more heated conversations she had with her mother, inferring that the subject matter was none of my business. There have been many times, especially in the earlier going of our five-plus years together, my step daughter would remind me that I was not really her parent and that my thoughts and actions did not hold sway with her. Needless to say, those words did hurt - a lot.
Yet I did not acquiesce to such insolence; in fact, her continual opposition only infuriated me more and elevated my determination to get through to her. As my relationship with her mother continued to solidify and it was readily apparent that I was not going anywhere, relations with my soon-to-be step daughter gradually improved. Nevertheless, there were still the periodic bumps in the road, oftentimes surfacing when I viewed her behavior to be simply inappropriate toward her mother.
Regrettably, I had allowed certain emotions to fester, culminating in what could best be described as a meltdown that occurred at home few months ago. Upon returning home from a trip my wife and I had taken - this after picking up my step daughter from her (biological) father's home where she had stayed for the long weekend - she (the step daughter) launched into a verbal tirade that seemed to have no conclusion. I simply lost my cool and launched a verbal assault of my own on both my step daughter - and, because of her being in close proximity to the proceedings - my wife.
It's Okay For Step Fathers To Seek Counseling
At my wife's urging and loving support (thankfully), I reached out to a local therapist, who, while discussing some of my concerns at home, offered me a story that closely resembled what I had been experiencing. He had worked with other blended families that had been undergoing familial strife. He told about one in which the step father was encouraged to "take a step back" and endeavor to be more of a friend to his step daughter, and less of an authority figure.
What has transpired since then is a general calm in the household and a bit more harmony. My "shoot first and ask questions later" mentality toward behavior management wasn't doing anybody any good and that it was fracturing what could be a healthy, productive relationship with my step daughter. It wasn't necessarily benefiting relations with my wife either.
Thankfully, I heeded my wife's advice and sought outside counseling, and the results have been markedly better. Interestingly enough, I've become a better step father, without really being, or acting like, a father. What I believe my step daughter was actually expecting of me was to be her friend, and I finally got the message, although it did take a while to sink in.
For additional step parenting advice and information, please consult the following:
Sources
- theparentreport.com: http://www.theparentreport.com/articles/step-parenting-successfully.html
- Parenting/The Family Frame-Step Parents: http://www.ifsha.org/parenting/step.htm
- head/heart parent - Practical Tools to Empower Parents: http://headandheartparent.com/2010/08/04/step-parenting-discipline/
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